he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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