Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
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