Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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