So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
