as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened