I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
