I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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