that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
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Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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