Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
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he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
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DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.