To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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