After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
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She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
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You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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