true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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