im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize