He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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