Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
