i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Boobs speak an international language.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
