cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
