I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Holy shit dude........stairs
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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