Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
