I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
