i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
