maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
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You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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