We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
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Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
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Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.