Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.