I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
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Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
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No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"