He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
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I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
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I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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