Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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