I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
