Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize