I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
