So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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