I haven't been this sober since birth.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
