How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
