I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
