our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
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If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
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My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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