If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down