My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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