just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
