I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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