literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
