Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
