did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I will pee on everything he values.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
