You can't special order awesome
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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