im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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