Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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