Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Are my feet made of real feet?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize