Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
