Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
