how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
