"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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