I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
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She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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