hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize